Don't Roast That Turkey!

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, which means it's just about time for the yearly flurry of articles from so-called "experts" offering the secrets to roasting the "perfect turkey." But here's one secret no one will dare share with you: The perfectly roasted turkey is a myth.

That's right, there's no such thing — it's a physical impossibility. The reason for this is a phenomenon I call the Poultry Paradox, which is responsible for every mouthful of dry, flavorless, overcooked turkey you've ever had to force down your throat.

Well, it's 2009, people, and it's time to stop the madness. We've landed a man on the moon and we can make a car run on canola oil. It's time to get a handle on the trouble with turkey.